Let’s face it, at some point in the journey of parenthood, whether it’s your first baby, your second, third, fourth or fifth, everybody hits the wall whether motherhood becomes a chore and not a joy. At least, I hope they do, because if not, I should just let that mound of guilt fall right back on top of me.
For me, I hit the wall about 7 months after my eldest was born when the glow of contented new motherhood wore off and I started feeling the daily grind of housework. I saw my future stretching into the distance, vacuum cleaner permanently in hand, locked in a vicious cycle of never-ending housework, unable to achieve anything that the outside world considered of value and unable to earn a salary. I didn’t even feel like a successful ‘stay at home mum’ (SAHM) because I didn’t really want to be there, felt completely inadequate and compared myself to my new mum friends who seemed to keep that contented ‘I love staying at home cuddling my adorable baby’ glow and find endless ways of entertaining and encouraging their children’s development.
My theory is that at some point many, many, women go through these things. Not falling into the category of being clinically depressed and needing medication, but certainly experiencing a form of depression and being challenged in their self-identity and struggling to find value in whatever role they choose whether it be as a SAHM, a WAHM (work at home mum) or those who go out to work and have the incredibly difficult role of balancing work and home.
Without the family or community support that women in previous generations had or that those in developing countries still have, I decided I needed to take some serious action in order to stop myself sliding into depression. A second child later and with a third due in February, I am still discovering things about myself and what lifts my spirits, making little changes here and there, enabling me to do what I need to do with a greater level of joy and contentment.
Here are some of my survival tips for struggling parents. Please note, I am not a nurse, doctor or other professional, merely a fellow mum sharing wisdom collected over the years.
Thankfulness Journal: Recommended by Oprah, this is invaluable. Keep a journal where you write down the things you are glad for, thankful or those that have really lifted you up that day. Every so often, when you’re having a tough day, read back through some of the entries and you’ll be surprised at the good things that have happened that you’ve forgotten about.
Do your housework in your very best clothes: This is a fantastic tip my friend shared with me the other day. She has an incredibly busy life, working away from home part time and part time from home in between juggling many other commitments. She swears by doing the vacuuming in her high heels and work clothes because she says it makes her feel as though she doesn’t have to do it every day.
Dress one level up from how you feel: Early on I made the decision to start wearing make up every day, not to wear trackies (unless it was for exercise) and not to buy jeans but buy trousers. I realized that it was all too easy to keep my pyjamas on and my hair tied up scruffily until ‘I had time for myself’ but that ‘time for myself’ never came unless I made it a priority. Once I started doing this, I felt I had more energy and more motivation to do other things.
Take care of your body: For me, getting my haircut is an instant feel good factor and now 7 years later, I know that, whatever our budget, I should get it cut regularly if I want to feel like I have some value. For other people, it may be having that regular manicure or pedicure which just lifts you and makes you feel special. If you don’t feel good, the rest of your family will suffer too.
Hang out with positive people: Evaluate the friendships in your life, if you’re struggling with feeling depressed and negative and want to get out of it, should you be hanging out with other like-minded people? People rub off on people. Edit your friendships. If you come away from coffee with a friend feeling depressed, do something in a group setting with them, or an activity, so that the deep and meaningful conversations are saved for those who you come away from feeling positive. Proactively look for people who lift you up and encourage you and spend more time with them.
Resist the desire to compare children or lifestyles: This is perhaps the hardest to do, especially for first-time mums. Anxiety, uncertainty, desire to ‘do the right thing’ by your child, desire to give them the best can all make you unconsciously compare and load yourself down with guilt or depression. Each family and their situation is unique. Watch out for great ideas and tips from other families but don’t try to Keep Up With The Joneses. You are made to be this child’s parent and they are made to be your child. Decide how you want them to turn out and make a plan which will turn it into reality.
Plan in FUN times: One tip I heard a long time ago was budgeting ‘Funny Money’ – setting aside an amount of your budget to have fun together but this can even be done completely cost free too. The principle is the same, everybody needs to have a good time and if you’ve been doing the hard graft recently, purposefully plan in a fun activity, a holiday, a relaxing time together as a family. It will make your family dynamics so much more pleasant.
Know your bodies needs and limits: This is very important when you have a newborn in the house but also applies to your kids, your partner as well as to you. Make sure you know how much sleep you need and do everything you can to get it. Sleep deprivation is a known form of torture. Similarly, make sure you’re drinking enough water, eating healthy food and wherever you can get whatever exercise you can. Living healthily will give you more energy and motivation to do all that you need to do and to face any challenges of the day.
Be deliberate about romance: If you have a partner, it’s all too easy to make children a priority and neglect your partner, but if your needs for love and romance aren’t being met, you will find it very difficult to meet the children’s needs as well. Plan in date nights, even if it consists of an evening at home chatting, without the distraction of children or TV.
Be real with yourself and others: It doesn’t help anyone if you pretend everything is going well when it clearly isn’t and who knows who you might meet who needs to know that they’re not the only person struggling with living their life. Don’t wallow in it, but don’t hide it either. Be real.
Keep your toilet clean: Recognise what area of the house depresses you most and what is the minimum housework you need to do to feel comfortable. I find that I can’t be easy unless the sink is wiped down (a 30 second job) and the toilet is clean (5 minutes). If those two things are done, I can cope with most other disasters. Shelve the rest of the housework for the times when you have energy to do it.
Fill in the time crevices: Everybody’s day has time crevices, small slots of time where you can do a job that will take a few minutes or even just 30 seconds but something that will make you feel a great deal lighter. If you’re waiting on the phone for a call centre to answer, get the duster out and dust the TV or sort out papers on the sideboard.
Take advantages of offers: Now is not the time to be shy. If someone offers to take the kids for you, say yes. If someone invites you out for coffee and you’ve been at home alone, say yes. Let people help you and you’ll be in a place to help someone else out in the future.
Find a passion: Two years ago, I met my uncle for the first time and he asked me what I enjoyed doing in my spare time. I laughed at the spare time concept but realized afterwards I was completely stumped by his question. I needed to find something other than my children to keep me busy. Now I realize that blogging, writing, sewing and craft are the things I get most joy out of and I am developing those avenues. Find time, even once a week for your passion and if you don’t know what that is, try different things until you find one.
And finally...
Plan your day for achieving something: So many of my days have just been randomly coping with whatever the kids or life throws at me. Recently I’ve discovered that simply by sitting down for five minutes over breakfast with a piece of paper and planning out my day means that I can do all that I need to get done and slot in a few things I’ve been struggling to get done. Achieving your goals, even if its just getting the fridge cleaned, can energise and encourage you.
A couple of resources that I find brilliant are the book Real Moms: Exploding the myths of motherhood, and the Parents Inc website which also emails a weekly tip to your inbox.
